Who am I going to be this Halloween? I'm dressing up as a Productive American Novelist, thanks to my version of NaNoWriMo, NAFADOYBIMSCOM (NAtional Finish A Draft Of Your Book I Mean Seriously Come On Month).

Surprisingly enough, NAFADOYBIMSCOM has really caught on. Suddenly, it's not just me who's going to work hard to finish a draft of a book during the month of November. The all-star NAFADOYBIMSCOM lineup (although we'll see how serious they are about it) includes:

E. Lockhart (if you are among the three living American teenagers who has not yet read any of E. Lockhart's books, you should rectify this problem immediately)

Cecil Castellucci (who wrote [and is the] Queen of Cool)

Sara Zarr (author of the still-forthcoming Story of a Girl)

Coe Booth (who wrote the excellent Tyrell)

Colleen Cook (who is apparently going to finish two manuscripts)

Ally Carter (whose book I'd Tell You I Love You But Then I'd Have to Kill You is a really fun book about attending a spy school)

Carrie Jones (member of the class of 2k7 and author of Tips on Having a Gay (Ex)Boyfriend)

Tanya Lee Stone (who wrote the widely acclaimed A Bad Boy Can Be Good for a Girl)

Also I'm pretty sure that my friend Keir Graff is doing this, although he has never heard of NAFADOYBIMSCOM, so we'll include him.

Also, we'll include Joyce Carol Oates, because she is surely finishing something in November.

In short, NAFADOYBIMSCOM is a publishing phenomenon. I'll be updating daily on my progress (or, if I don't have any progress to report, I'll update you on Cecil's progress or something). I started NAFADOYBIMSCOM early, actually, and I'm pleased to report I wrote 1,600 words yesterday.

In other news: David Levithan and I were walking through the airport in Austin, Texas a couple days ago, and I swear to God we heard the following announcement over the loudspeaker: "If you're missing a bolo tie, please return to the security checkpoint." God bless Texas.

I first became familiar with National Novel Writing Month (or, as it is widely known, NaNoWriMo) a couple of years ago through my friend Sam. Every November 1st, Sam starts to write a novel, and every November 30th, he finishes it. He does this in spite of having a job and being a world-famous radio personality.

I have long believed that novels take too long to write, and so I've always admired NaNoWriMo. But I can't do it myself, because I write too slowly. But when I was in Austin, Texas this weekend (which was very fun), I had an exciting revelation, which is also a very special opportunity for all you writers out there:

THE MONTH OF NOVEMBER SHALL HENCEFORTH BE KNOWN IN THE GREEN FAMILY AS NAFADOYBIMSCOM.

NAFADOYBIMSCOM STAND FOR "NAtional Finish A Draft Of Your Book I Mean Seriously Come On Month" (for the record, NAFADOYBIMSCOM is pronounced na-fad-oy-BIM-scom). The name of this project is reasonably self-explanatory. Instead of writing an entirely new novel in a month, all you have to do is finish one you've, say, been working on for many months. Look for daily updates on this blog all through November. And if you've got a manuscript to finish, you're certainly welcome to participate in NAFADOYBIMSCOM.

In response to yesterday's post in which I outlined non-writing careers I fantasize about, my longtime friend Sean Titone commented that Professional Poker Player should certainly make my top 10 list. And so it should. Sorry, Fireman.

I also got a couple comments asking what my specialty would be if I were to be a professsional eater. Ideally, of course, I'd like to be a generalist along the lines of Sonya "The Black Widow" Thomas (whom, as I'm sure you know, is the 105-pound woman who once ate 8 pounds of sausage in 10 minutes). Thomas holds records in everything from fried okra to cheesecake.

But I probably wouldn't be as good at professional eating as Thomas is, so it makes sense that I would specialize in an attempt to narrowly define my audience (competitive eating specialization is the equivalent, I think, of writing for teenagers instead of for everyone). So I think I'd pick butter. I really like butter (it is delicious) and the world record for butter-eating is 7 sticks in 5 minutes, which I think is totally doable. I mean, that's only 1.75 pounds of butter. Easy money, baby.

You should come see me in either Austin, Texas or San Francisco. Or both, if you have the time and money to travel. I wish I had more people who toured with me, like Phish fans. I really need my books to make their way into the great untapped literary market that is Phish fans.

I basically like writing a lot, but there are things about the business of writing that I don't love, and sometimes I feel tired and start thinking that my best days are behind me--basically all the things that Colin Singleton thinks about himself in An Abundance of Katherines. The solution to this problem--which is basically to stop being such a self-absorbed dillhole--is one of those solutions that is, like Communism and The Force and travelling at the speed of light, easy to comprehend but hard to actualize.

So one of the ways I know that I'm feeling this way is that I constantly fantasize about Careers I Would Like That Do Not Involve Professional Writing.

So, without further ado, here are 10 careers I fantasize about having that do not involve professional writing (Note: In all of these careers, I would still write on the weekends; I just wouldn't depend on writing for a livelihood.):

1. Being a famous writer's personal assistant. (Eligible writers include Toni Morrison, Phillip Roth, David Foster Wallace, and Sarah Dessen--Dessen because she's great and also if I were her personal assistant, I could live in North Carolina.)

2. Independently wealthy philanthropist. This has always just seemed to me like a great job. You get to be really really rich--and have lots of nice stuff and never worry about money--but you also get to feel like you are doing some good in the world, on account of your professional philanthropy.

3. Fireman. I mean, obviously. Because of the brotherhood. And as a bonus, Sarah likes firemen.

4. Investment banker. From what I can gather, being an i-banker is kind of like being perpetually in finals week at college, because you work really hard and stay up late and have this kind of man-i-am-working-so-hard camraderie with your coworkers and then you go drink a lot. The main way that investment banking is different from college is that you are ridiculously well-paid.

5. Guy who writes the plots of video games. This is techically writing, I suppose, but it's more storytelling.

6. Some job where you help people in some clear and unambiguous way, such as being a librarian or a nurse or a UN aid worker or something.

7. Hospital chaplain. I had this job, and I liked it, and I still fantastize about it frequently, even though in the cold clear light of morning, I generally recognize that I was not very good at it and also it sort of made me nuts.

8. Production Editor at Booklist. This is, I think, probably the world's most perfect job.

9. Competitive Eater. I'm not sure how great a Competitive Eater I could become. But I'd like to find out.

10. English and/or writing teacher.

The thou in the subject line, of course, refers to Iowa. I have returned from my book tour (well, for a couple days--later this week, I head to Austin) and can now report with authority that Iowa is an underrated hotbed of young adult literature fandom.

Anyway, the whole tour was a lot of fun, although one does get tired of living out of a suitcase after a while, and one also gets tired of not being able to hang out with one's wife. One also tires of the kind of food that passes for room service at some hotels (I'm looking at you, Memphis Marriot). But it was great to see "An Abundance of Katherines" making its way out into the world, and it's always fun (and instructive) to meet some of the actual people I actually write for.

At some point, I will learn how to take images that live inside my digiital camera and transport them to my computer. And then I will post a photo essay about my travels. But for now, you will just have to live with the following textual highlights:

1. I got to eat dinner with friends from middle school, including my preschool girlfriend. PRESCHOOL! And Colin Singleton thinks HE got dumped a lot. (Allison doesn't remember dumping me; she remembers us drifting apart, "the way four-year-olds do," but I'm pretty sure she did dump me.)

2. My trip to Iowa involved a hilarious balloon.

3. I was reminded of how highly I regard librarians, which made me feel better about Keir Graff basically calling me the world's biggest librarian suck-up.

4. I spent a total of 23 hours in airports over the course of 9 days. I've forgotten more about the Moline, Illinois airport than you'll ever know.

If the good Lord is willing and the creek don't rise, I'll be appearing live and in person in Atlanta tonight. I hope you'll come.

Details: The Dekalb County Public Library's Dunwoody Branch at 7PM (5339 Chamblee-Dunwoody Road)

I'm in Atlanta today and tomorrow (scroll down for details), and so Im blogging from a computer in the Alpharetta branch of the Atlanta Public Library. It's been a fun day--I got to hang out at the gigantic Georgia Fish Tank (whale sharks!) with YA librarian (and my friend from middle school) Sara Miller.

Touring is fun, but there are certain things I miss about being home, including 1. Sarah, and also 2. Sarah.

And finally, let us discuss matters of serious importance: Is it or is it not true that in the current issue of the magazine "Cosmpolitan," Rachel Bilson *again* mentions Looking for Alaska? (This is not a rhetorical question; I've heard a rumor but have been unable to confirm it, because this library does not include Cosmopolitan in its collection.) Anyway, all I know about Cosmo is that I read it a lot when I was 11 with my friend Matt, which is how come Matt and I know so many tricks about how to drive your man wild.

I'm at Teen Reads today, talking about An Abundance of Katherines and writing. The very same web site has just reviewed Katherines. I like the review.

(Another review I liked, this one from Chicago's New City, can be found here.)

I'm blogging to you from Memphis, Tennessee, having just finished my first panel (which was great) with the brilliant E. Lockhart, Ally Carter, and Phyllis Reynolds Naylor. (Ms. Naylor writes the Alice books, which I read obsessively when I was a kid, so I was really geeked out and nervous around her, but she was quite nice. I also liked Ally a lot, and recommend her book, "I'd Tell You I Love You But Then I'd Have to Kill You," which is like Harry Potter only with spies.)

Tomorrow I'm on a panel with the same people, plus Alex Sanchez. You should come, provided you are in or near Memphis. This is a good book festival, and also there is excellent fried chicken.

The answer may surprise you.* (The answer, incidentally, is yes.)

The folks who brought you the awesome "Looking for Alaska" movie have another video on google, "Memoirs of a Cake." (It is less a memoir of a cake than a memoir about a cake, but I think we can all agree that "Memoirs of a Cake" is an excellent title for a movie.) This one has nothing to do with "Looking for Alaska." I just like it.

I would post the video inside this blog, except BLOGGER IS BEING A WHINY LITTLE BRAT. YOU BETTER STRAIGHTEN UP YOUR ACT, BLOGGER, OR ELSE DADDY IS GOING TO GIVE YOU A SPANKING YOU'LL BE TALKING ABOUT WITH YOUR THERAPIST FOR THE NEXT FORTY YEARS.

More questions answered:

Why no blog tour today? I'm very busy flying to Memphis. (By the way, come visit me in Memphis! (Scroll down for tour dates.) We'll be back tomorrow, however.

How was your visit to Oceanside, New York? It was great! Chapter One is a great bookstore, and I really liked the people there.

When is TEMP Productions going to make a movie about "An Abundance of Katherines?" I'm on it!


* "The answer may surprise you" is copyrighted by Dean.

The blog tour rested. (Because I am disorganized and didn't plan far enough ahead. Anyway, it will be back soon.)

But instead of blogging about the blog tour, I'm going to blog about my other tour, which is of course entitled "An Abundance of Katherines: The Actual, Physical Tour Involving Many Airplanes." Here's my schedule. If you're available to come to any of these places, please do, because otherwise it will be really lonely and boring and I'll be sitting there for an hour or whatever thinking about what a tremendous failure I am, and how nobody likes me, and feeling all of these unfortunate leftover-from-middle-school feelings that I've been trying to deal with in therapy. Okay!

OCEANSIDE, NEW YORK -- TONIGHT!!!!

On Wendesday, October 11th, at 7:30 PM, I'll be talking and signing books at Chapter One Books in Oceanside, New York (3185 Long Beach Road)

MEMPHIS

On Saturday, October 14th, at 1:30 PM, I'll be signing books and speaking on a panel at the Southern Festival of Books in Memphis, Tennessee (Cook Convention Center)

ATLANTA

If you feel like skipping school (not necessarily encouraged!): On Monday, October 16th, at 10 AM, I'll be speaking at the central library in Atlanta, Georgia (One Margaret Mitchell Square)

If you don't feel like skipping school: That same Monday, at 7 PM, I'll be speaking and signing books at Milton High School. Both events are open to the public. (13025 BIRMINGHAM HWY)

On Tuesday, October 17th, I'll be speaking at the Dekalb County Public Library's Dunwoody branch at 7PM (5339 Chamblee-Dunwoody Road)

QUAD CITIES ROCK!

I'll be at the Eldridge Public Library on the evening of Wednesday, October 18th.

The next night, I'll be at the Bettendorf Public Library on the evening of Thursday, October 19th.

AUSTIN, TEXAS

On Saturday, October 28th at 8PM, I'll be at the Texas Book Festival in Austin at the Author's Tent.

SAN FRANCISCO

On Thursday November 2nd at 6:30 PM I'll be at Books, Inc. in OPERA PLAZA for Not Your Mother's Bookclub. (601 Van Ness Avenue)

On Friday November 3rd at 11 AM, I'll be at Rakestraw Books in Danville, CA (409 Railroad Avenue)


And by the way, stay tuned for tour stops in North Carolina, Birmingham, New York City, Chicago, and Los Angeles.

I love E. Lockhart's books, and I've been thrilled that some people have compared An Abundance of Katherines to E's The Boyfriend List. Today I'm at E's blog with a Girlfriend List. Telling all those ex-girlfriend jokes really brought me back to the old NPR days.

More information on my actual, physical book tour soon, but if you're in or near Oceanside, New York, you should come see me tomorrow (which is Wednesday) at Chapter One books at 7:30 PM (Chapter One Books is located at 3185 Long Beach Road.)

A quote from William Faulkner's Nobel Prize Acceptance speech:

"Our tragedy today is a general and universal physical fear so long sustained by now that we can even bear it. There are no longer problems of the spirit. There is only one question: When will I be blown up?"

It's not a question that has gone away in the 56 years since Faulkner won the Nobel Prize; if anything, we have become more focused on that question, and it has become more unbearable. But Faulkner says the writer "must teach himself that the basest of all things is to be afraid, and, teaching himself that, forget it forever." I think this is fine advice.

And in that spirit, the blog tour rolls on, nuclear proliferation be damned! On Friday, excellent author Lisa Yee posted a mysterious blog entry involving dentistry. Today, the mystery is solved by my appearance on her livejournal. We discuss the brushing of teeth, my obsession with trophies. and child prodigies (whom Lisa has written about with considerable skill).

Today, the An Abundance of Katherines blog tour stops at the livejournal of the brilliant Holly Black, who is somewhat famous for being a bestselling author and also famous for being in the acknowledgements of Katherines. This particular interview is notable because 1. it contains a lot of filthy language, and 2. it features some soul-searching on the topic of geekiness.

Now, for something entirely different. I have a sitemeter, which means that I have some sense of the search words that lead people here to sparksflyup. And I feel like, up to now, I have failed to address some of my readers' queries. So here are some real search strings that led here, and my responses to them:

Themes of Looking for Alaska cannot be found on the Internet. You should look inside the book for them.

Relocating rats is difficult. I personally favor relocating them from earth to heaven.

Stephanie Klein's definition of passion is, presumably, hilariously overwritten and massively self-absorbed.

Looking at green shit seems like a better way to pass the time than, say, trying to relocate rats.

How much lunchmeat do I have for 35 people? Wait, how much do you have, or how much do you need? Because the Internet cannot tell you how much you have. (You need 14.5 pounds.)

Putting you to sleep for a colonoscopy is highly, highly recommended.

Markus Zusak's married?! It's true. Sorry, ladies. (Incidentaly, no one has ever gotten here by searching for "John Green's married?!" Damn you, Markus.)

How tree frogs cry would be a great name for a band.

Do you still have your tonsils? Are you asking me or are you asking google? I can't speak for google's tonsils, but mine are still in my throat.

Sarah Urist married some writer. She certainly did. (By the way, Sarah's exboyfriends google her constantly. I know who you are, exboyfriends!)

Julie Strauss-Gabel is unquestionably the best editor in America. Karen Coeman is the best editor in Mexico.

David Foster Wallace and John Green don't appear in the same sentence often enough. (We do, however, share a Hollywood agent.)

What was medieval torture for women like? Pretty bad, I would guess.

Very sad German statistics tend to be more depressing than, say, very sad Icelandic statistics.

The eleventh (more than halfway done, people!) stop of the "An Abundance of Katherines" blog tour takes us to bookshelves of doom, a great lit blog I visit a lot, where I participate in one of BOD's patented Super Duper Quickie interviews.

Here you will learn some damning facts about me, such as that I fear cotton balls, watch CSI: Miami, and overuse the word deadpanned.

The reading at the New Your Public Library last night was wonderful. 115 people came (well, I did not personally count, but I am told that 115 people came), and they were a great audience. And I was most impressed with everyone's reading, particulalry Leslie Margolis and Coe Booth, both of whom have just published their first novels.

By the way, should we or should we not try to track down the guys who made the hilarious and brilliant and great video trailer of Looking for Alaska so that we can send them a thank-you present? Could locating the creators of the "Looking for Alaska" video be the new lonelygirl15?!

REMINDER TO NEW YORKERS: Tonight at 6PM, I'll be among the authors reading at the Jefferson Market library at 425 Avenue of the Americas (10th Street and 6th Avenue). You should come.

The blog tour stops today with a very fun interview with Not Your Mother's Bookclub, which hasn't been posted because Not Your Mother's Bookclub is on the west coast and I can't blame them for not being awake yet.

In the meantime, you can listen to the podcast I did with Maureen Johnson (whose new book sounds intersting). What I did for the podcast was I had a bunch of my friends and family members ask me questions, which I then I answered. Most of the podcast is about girls, and how come they never liked me much.

Lastly: We're in the midst of the "An Abundance of Katherines Blog Tour," but soon we will be starting the "An Abundance of Katherines Actual Physical Book Tour That Involves a Lot of Airplanes." So I hope you will come see me if you live in one of the following places, because otherwise these things are crushingly depressing:

1. Memphis, Tennessee
2. Atlanta, Georgia
3. The part of Illinois that is near Iowa
4. The part of Iowa that is near Illinois
5. Austin, Texas
6. San Francisco, California
7. Los Angeles, California
8. Birmingham, Alabama

I think that's it, at least for October and November of 2006. Details to come. Okay, I have to do a bunch of horrible tax stuff now.

Today the blog tour stops at Chasing Ray, a literary blog I've liked for a long time. We talk about YA as a genre, whether or not Frankenstein is a science fiction novel, and a whole lot of other stuff.

Incidentally, you should really scroll down and A. watch the Looking for Alaska movie I discovered last night on google video, and B. download the An Abundance of Katherines Mr. T Experience playlist, so you can have something to listen to while reading Katherines.

One more thing: Happy Birthday to Sarah Urist Green. Even as Sarah ages, I can't help but think that she is as lovely today as she was the day we married. (Which was four months ago.)

I can't possibly tell you how happy this makes me. (It's a hilarious and surprisingly true-to-the-book faux-trailer for Looking for Alaska made by some kids for an English project.) I particularly like the casting choice for the character Alaska. Also they used real fireworks! Honestly, the Printz Award was only slightly more exciting than stumbling across this on google video. I hereby challenge all of America (and you, Australia! I know how many Australians are visiting this blog!) to make more youtube/google videos about Alaska and Katherines.

Today I'm at Frank Portman's blog, aka Dr. Frank's What's-it. Frank wrote the excellent hit novel King Dork, and he is also the lead singer of The Mr. T Experience, the best band ever. I've been a huge fan of mtx since I was in high school. They are probably the only banjoless band I've ever really loved.

Dr. Frank is famous for introducing his songs by saying, "This is a song about a girl," and An Abundance of Katherines will hopefully one day be famous for being a book about girls, so it's a natural fit.

So for this very exciting blog tour stop, I created a playlist called "The MTX Does An Abundance of Katherines: A Short (But Well-Annotated) Playlist." Most exciting of all, Frank has made each song on the playlist a downloadable mp3, which means you can actually create the playlist, and then listen to the world's greatest breakup songs while reading Katherines. Rock on!