You should come see me in either Austin, Texas or San Francisco. Or both, if you have the time and money to travel. I wish I had more people who toured with me, like Phish fans. I really need my books to make their way into the great untapped literary market that is Phish fans.

I basically like writing a lot, but there are things about the business of writing that I don't love, and sometimes I feel tired and start thinking that my best days are behind me--basically all the things that Colin Singleton thinks about himself in An Abundance of Katherines. The solution to this problem--which is basically to stop being such a self-absorbed dillhole--is one of those solutions that is, like Communism and The Force and travelling at the speed of light, easy to comprehend but hard to actualize.

So one of the ways I know that I'm feeling this way is that I constantly fantasize about Careers I Would Like That Do Not Involve Professional Writing.

So, without further ado, here are 10 careers I fantasize about having that do not involve professional writing (Note: In all of these careers, I would still write on the weekends; I just wouldn't depend on writing for a livelihood.):

1. Being a famous writer's personal assistant. (Eligible writers include Toni Morrison, Phillip Roth, David Foster Wallace, and Sarah Dessen--Dessen because she's great and also if I were her personal assistant, I could live in North Carolina.)

2. Independently wealthy philanthropist. This has always just seemed to me like a great job. You get to be really really rich--and have lots of nice stuff and never worry about money--but you also get to feel like you are doing some good in the world, on account of your professional philanthropy.

3. Fireman. I mean, obviously. Because of the brotherhood. And as a bonus, Sarah likes firemen.

4. Investment banker. From what I can gather, being an i-banker is kind of like being perpetually in finals week at college, because you work really hard and stay up late and have this kind of man-i-am-working-so-hard camraderie with your coworkers and then you go drink a lot. The main way that investment banking is different from college is that you are ridiculously well-paid.

5. Guy who writes the plots of video games. This is techically writing, I suppose, but it's more storytelling.

6. Some job where you help people in some clear and unambiguous way, such as being a librarian or a nurse or a UN aid worker or something.

7. Hospital chaplain. I had this job, and I liked it, and I still fantastize about it frequently, even though in the cold clear light of morning, I generally recognize that I was not very good at it and also it sort of made me nuts.

8. Production Editor at Booklist. This is, I think, probably the world's most perfect job.

9. Competitive Eater. I'm not sure how great a Competitive Eater I could become. But I'd like to find out.

10. English and/or writing teacher.