We're in Chattanooga, TN. This town is highly recommended, for the following reasons:
1. The hotel has Internet access. 2. We had dinner at Outback Steakhouse, which generally doesn't sound like a very promising start to a sentence, but the food was good and we met a wide variety of fascinating people. 3. It is a fun word to say. Chattanooga. Chattanooga. It is like all the best parts of chatting plus all the best parts of noogies.
The subject line above refers to the start of The Extremely Secret Project that I'm doing with my brother beginning on January 1st. Further information about this project--which you may all find hideously annoying but I think given time you will begin to like it, although admittedly I have been wrong before--will be posted on this blog as soon as Hank and I have talked and decided we can post about it.
And finally: There are 354 days (usually) in the Islamic calendar. So how come everyone got together and decided that Saddam "I Am A Total Asshole And Would Belong To Team Karen If I Were Still Alive" Hussein should die on an outrageously provocative day? Is there an intentional desire to increase violence between people of different religious backgrounds? I can't think of any other reason to kill a guy on a day some people think is the start of Eid al-Adha and others think isn't. I realize this isn't a political blog, and that it certainly isn't a blog about Islamic politics, but this was an awful decision by the Iraqi government. Why not yesterday? Why not three days ago? Why not a week from now? It's starting to look like the Iraqi government is on Team Karen, too.
I'm at a coffee shop in Tupelo, Mississippi (or possibly right outside Tupelo, Mississippi--it's hard to tell) and I have a very brief window in which to blog, because we have to drive through a good part of Tennessee today. This has been a great trip, though.
Last night we were in Oxford, Mississippi, which is the hometown of William Faulkner and also one of my favorite towns in the world and also the home of Square Books, which is my favorite bookstore. We walked in to Square Books, Jr last night before dinner and they had a WHOLE ENTIRE DISPLAY of paperback copies of Looking for Alaska. The guy working there had read both my books (and his name was Colin!) and we chatted for a while. It was pretty amazing. Anyway, you should buy a paperback copy of Alaska from Square Books, or from the independent bookseller in your town. You can also--and this is sort of weird--buy one at Target.
1. For many many years, I have been in love with this photograph of Woody Guthrie, and I have always wanted a poster of it, but no such poster has ever existed. And then Sarah, being super-amazing, bought an 8 x 10 of the photo from Woody Guthrie's estate and then blew it up into an awesome poster, and now I am so happy.
2. If I am not mistaken, the paperback version of Looking for Alaska is going to be in stores starting whereabouts of today. You should really consider buying the paperback, because 1. it is quite inexpensive, and 2. it is portable, and 3. several errors have been fixed.
3. The other big thing I got for Christmas this year is a camcorder, which may be important to readers of this blog for the following reason: If everything goes according to plan, this blog is going to become less textual and more video-ey in 2007, because my brother and I are doing this crazy and probably ill-advised project. More on that later.
1. Rob. We start this year's Naughty List off with a good person and a Southerner like me and everything. But Rob is an unabashed member of Team K$(@#, and he keeps coming up with silly reasons: He now claims that Pam has an "indescisive, noncommital" nature. That's ridiculous! Just come over to Team Pam, Rob. Everyone is nicer here. We are sweet-funny instead of mean-funny. We are curves instead of angles. We are hope instead of despair.
2. Sara Zarr. Speaking of Team Pam and its importance to the continuing health of American democracy, Sara Zarr recently accused me of basically being a closeted member of Team K@#$%. Sara argued that Lindsey Lee Wells in An Abundance of Katherines plays K@#*$ to the Katherines' Pam. That's ridiculous, Sara. You may have written an excellent first novel, but you're on the Naughty List!
3. Aetna. Give me back my health insurance, you wretched bitches.
3. Human teeth. Why are you so fragile? Why do you require so many surgeries? You're stupid. If you were just made of diamonds, we wouldn't have all these problems. Nor would we have Blood Diamonds. Teeth, by not being diamonds, are the cause of all the wars in the world. Speaking of which...
4. Mel Gibson.
5. Mice. What is it with you little vermin, running around our walls all night and giving us nightmares? But the real reason you're on the naughty list is this: You make me look like less of a man in front of my wife. It doesn't help our marriage to have me dancing spastically on the bed shouting, "oh God oh God oh God please deliver us from this mouse infestation oh sweet holy Lord please I'm so scared and alone Please Jesus please help me I am just a scared little girl."
We have discovered that Rob (the only sparksflyup reader known to be a member of Team K*@#$%) is married to sparksflyup reader Marie. We are counting on Marie to bring Rob over to Team Pam, and to keep us up-to-date on her progress.
In the meantime, even though the e key of my keyboard doesn't work very well, I'm going to do a ridiculously long survey I stole from someone on my myspace.
Single or Taken: Married.
Happy about that: Very much. Even the bad parts of marriage--like having to go into stores full of girls and there are no boys anywhere and you have to try to find a Christmas present at this store only you don't know what kind of things your wife would like and you can't focus because you are LITERALLY THE ONLY BOY IN THIS ENTIRE PLACE AND EVERYONE IS WATCHING YOU--are still sort of nice.
Siblings: One excellent brother.
Eye color: Brownish/hazel. Like the bottom of trash can bins.
shoe size: 11ish
Height: 6'1"
What are you wearing right now: A t-shirt that says "Strike 300" and exercise pants (I just got back from running).
Best place to go for a date: A sushi restaurant, I think. Well, the best date Sarah and I ever had was when we first started dating, we sat out on the porch and gave little kids candy (we aren't creeps; it was Halloween). And all the kids were dressed up really cute, and Sarah was a princess, and it was all pretty adorable.
FAVORITES
Kind of pants: jeans.
Number: 37
Animal: Humans.
Drink(non alcoholic): Crystal Light Lemonade, or else orange Gatorade.
Sport: soccer. But I like most sports.
Month: I like March. Also October.
Juice: Orange, I guess, although I'm not huge on juices.
Favorite cartoon character: Stewie on "Family Guy," I suppose.
HAVE YOU EVER...
Given anyone a bath: Hmm. Not to the best of my recollection.
Bungee Jumped?: No. I'm not really attracted to bungee jumping, because A. I am afraid of heights, and B. the nice thing about being a very anxious person is that you can experience that rush-of-adrenaline-fight-or-flight feeling several times a day without bungee jumping.
Made yourself throw-up?: No.
Gone skinny dipping?: Yes.
Eaten a dog?: Not to the best of my knowledge.
Loved someone so much it made you cry?: Oh yeah. Who answers no to that question? Josef Stalin?
Broken a bone?: Yeah. Arms and fingers and ankles (I'm clumsy).
Played truth or dare?: Who above the age of 11 has never played Truth or Dare? Yes, I've played Truth or Dare.
Been on a plane?: Many, many, many, many times.
Been in a sauna?: Yes. And I don't really see what all the hullabaloo is about. If I want to sweat a lot and feel extremely light-headed, I'll just fall in love, thanks.
Been in a hotub?: Yes.
Swam in the ocean?: Yes.
Fallen asleep in school?: I don't think I ever fell asleep, but there were certainly moments where my chin hit my chest.
Ran away?: No. At least not literally.
Broken someone's heart?: Hmm. I've always been the Dumpee in my major relationships, so I'm tempted to say no, but it's hard to say for sure. Hearts can be broken from a great distance.
Cried when someone died?: Yes.
Cried in school?: Yeah. By the way, crying in school is not recommended.
Sat by the phone all night waiting for someone to call?: Not all night, but certainly quite a lot of the night.
Saved AIM conversations?: Yeah. I have thousands of pages of them, actually.
Saved e-mails?: Ditto. I save all my emails.
Made out with JUST a friend?: No.
Used someone?: Yes, of course. That's inevitable, I think. Unfortunate, but inevitable.
WHAT IS...
Your good luck charm?: It's like Alaska says: "Luck is for suckers."
New fav. song?: "My Good Gal," by Old Crow Medicine Show
Last thing you ate?: Blueberry pie
What kind of shampoo/conditioner do you use?: Whatever Sarah puts in the shower.
DO YOU...
Believe in love at first sight?: I believe in "Quite a lot of excitement and enthusiasm and attraction at first sight, which eventually develops into love and then in retrospect, because memory is unreliable, it feels as if you were every bit as in love in that first moment as you are now."
Long distant relationships?: I believe that they can be very good for you.
Who was the last person you slow danced with?: Sarah. Well, unless you mean slow-danced in the eighth grade way with your arms locked and you're just sort of swaying back and forth to th music. I believe that was with a girl namd Mary. Nice girl. She dumped me, natch.
Who makes you smile the most?: Sarah and Lindsay and Dean and Shannon.
Who knows you the best?: Sarah and my family.
FINAL QUESTIONS
What did you do yesterday?: I went Christmas shopping at the store that contained no boys, and I had dinner with my in-laws and our friend Phyllis and these two doctors, one of whom is helping me think about this book that I want to write.
Have you ever hated someone in your family?: Not for an extended period of time.
Gotten any awards?: Never when I was a teenager, but there have been a couple as an adult.
What car/truck do you wish to have?: A gas/electric hybrid.
Good Singer?: No. No. No. I've never sung a note on-key in my entire life.
Have a lava lamp?: Of all the possible questions, this is the one you choose to ask me? You could ask if I believe in God, or how I feel about the war in Iraq, or whether there's any meaning to suffering -- and you ask me if I have a god damned lava lamp!? No, I don't have a lava lamp.
When you last showered?: It certainly wasn't today.
Coffee or tea?: Ideally, neither.
Are you oldest, middle or youngest?: oldest.
Ever been in a fight with your pet?: What kind of Freak Factory fights with his pets?
Been to Mexico?: I spent a couple days on the border when I was in high school. Looking for Alaska, however (aka Buscando Alaska), has a great life in Mexico!
Been to Canada?: I have. I drove through the Yukon Territory on my way to Alaska during college.
Been to Europe?: I've been to Franc and Italy, but just like with Mexico, Alaska has seen a lot more of the world than I have.
What book are you reading now?: The Emperor's Children by Claire Messud and The Thin Man by Dashiell Hammett.
24. Future KIDS names?: I don't know. I've wasted all my favorite names on book characters.
29. Piercing/Tattoos?: No and no.
30. What are you most scared of right now?: Now that's a good question. I'm scared of cancer. And oblivion.
31. Who do you really hate?: I'v been trying, but I haven't yet found a mortal enemy.
32. Do you have a job?: Sorta.
33. Have you ever liked someone you didn't have a chance with?: Yes.
34. Are you lonely right now?: You know that movie Rushmore? There's a great moment in that movie when Bill Murray is asked if he's okay. "Mmm," he says in response. "I'm a little bit lonely these days." I think that captures it pretty well.
I'm writing today from a Starbucks in Vestavia, Alabama (I say a Starbucks because Vestavia, Alabama--like every municipality in the United States--has several). We're spending Christmas with Sarah's parents, and their Internet connection stopped working last night. So I'm in a Starbucks. Macy Gray is playing. The best thing I can say about this experience is that I am reminded of my friend Hassan, who did most of the Arabic translation in An Abundance of Katherines and who also does an amazingly fantastic Macy Gray impersonation.
I was largely heartened by the responses to my post about The Office. Most sparksflyup readers agreed with me about Team Pam being The Only Team For People Who Aren't Jerks. The only support voiced for Team Karen came from Rob. (His comment can be read here.) I don't personally know Rob, but he seems nice, and he writes a cool blog about tech-stuff. All available evidence indicates that Rob is probably not a Jerk. So he must just be confused. And I think we need to change his mind. That's the only way to change the world, after all: One Office viewer at a time.
So okay, Rob, I hope you're listening (because otherwise we'll have to track down your email address): You argue that Pam "had her chance." That, in fact, Pam had two chances. HOWEVER: What you fail to recall is that Pam was, at the time, engaged to be married. And that is a very serious commitment. Well, unless you are my former fiancee. But anyway, it should be a serious commitment. And because Pam is a good person, and a loyal person, she took her commitments seriously. This put her in an awful position, and finally--after an appropriately long period of discernment--she had to break the engagement.
Now, generally, I don't think very highly of people who break engagements--it's part of my general bias against Dumpers. In this case, however, I think it's forgivable--precisely for the reason you seem to have abandoned Team Pam. I root for Pam precisely because she passed up her initial chances with Jim. She passed them up because she is a nice and caring person who wanted to find a way to honor her promises but finally could not resolve her commitments with her desires. Jim should understand this; he should see it as a good sign. When Jim and Pam get married (FINGERS CROSSED!) one day, Jim will be grateful to have a life partner who has shown her faith in commitment.
Those of you also on Team Pam, please leave your reasons that Rob should convert in comments.
This Will Be Really Boring if You Don't Watch the Office...
...although if you don't watch The Office, there's something wrong with you, as it is the second-best sitcom on television. (How I Met Your Mother is the best, it goes without saying.)
Anyway, I have extremely unscientific proof that Team Karen is making inroads on Team Pam. (For those of you who don't watch the show, there is a character named Jim who is torn between two girls, Pam and Karen. There seem to be two kinds of people in this world: 1. those who believe in justice and equality and liberty and freedom and kittens and puppies and apple pie and Pam, and 2. those who believe in Karen.) The evidence is as follows:
I have further anecdotal evidence, in the form of several myspace friends who have openly identified themselves on my comments page as being members of Team Karen, even though I have publicly stated (and hereby repeat) that Team Karen is for dillholes.
It's totally unacceptable. So anyway, if you see me randomly inserting the words "Team Pam" into this web site, you'll know why. I'm trying to rectify the google crisis.
I lived for many years in Chicago with my friend Shannon James, and whenever anything really great would happen (like, for instance, Barack Obama's speech at the Democratic National Convention or a new episode of Extreme Makeover: Home Edition), we would always say, "That kind of makes me believe in America again."
Things have been a little negative here lately, largely because mouth pain can make you a pretty sour individual, but it's time to perk up. So here are some things that have recently kind of made me believe in America again:
1. There's this kid named Luke (also known as Running Fool and The Human Baton) who is making a circular trip around the United States using only fans of Ze Frank's The Show (who are known to themselves as Sportsracers) for lodging, food, and transportation. Virtual communities that work! Teamwork! Coming together to do beautifully pointless things and cover people in buttons! I like.
2. Speaking of I like: Borat makes me believe in America again. Sure, the movie itself is pretty damning when it comes to America. But a lot of people have seen the movie and liked it, which is something.
3. This essay by Matthew Cheney, which--while it doesn't say it--seems to be about problems faced by a teacher trying to teach Looking for Alaska. It's good writing, and--rare among such essays--it's not self-righteous and doesn't try to lay blame. I'm not looking to see Alaska or Katherines defended so much as I'm looking for an honest discussion of the issues.
4. Extremely funny authors who blog. Like Emily Gould, whose hotly anticipated first book I am trying to get a galley of so I can report to you on its awesomeness. Or Bennett Madison, who apparently once lived with Emily Gould, in what must have been the world's funniest apartment. Or Maureen Johnson, who has the best photo captions in the blog business. Also, read Andrew Auseon's web comic. All of these, needless to say, are American blogs.
5. Mimosas with a splash of pomegranate juice. Last night Sarah and I made a series of cocktails based on Things That Were Inside Our Fridge. Cheap scotch and diet Mountain Dew are not a good pairing, nor is Corona Light with lemons. But those mimosas were fantastic.
6. Lonelygirl15. That's right, she's back! And she's living with a hot guy named Jonas ever since her parents got kidnapped (or killed!) by the crazy cult they belong to.
That's it, for the moment. What, if anything, makes you believe in America again?
Over the summer, Sarah and I became inordinately fond of crossword puzzles. I think Sarah actually enjoys them, whereas I just don't want to get Alzheimer's.
So last night, still recovering from this surgery, I decided I was going to make a crossword puzzle. I figured that Professional Crossword Constructionist might be a nice sidelight for me, and also I figured, "Hey, I'm good at anagramming. How hard can this be?"
Very, very hard, as it turns out. I gave it my very best, but my very best was pretty sucky ("Destitute Taoist," for instance, was POLAO, because I couldn't make an actual word fit in its place). But I did have one clue and answer I was immensely proud of:
The answer is three letters. The clue, "It's best in Miami."
Long-time readers of this blog may recall that late in the summer, I had a horrible oral surgery called an apicoectomy. Well, it failed (by the way, avoid apicoectomies), and the only solution to this is--wait for it--another apicoectomy. If this one goes as poorly as the previous one, I may be out of commission for a few days.
But I would like to say that the suggestions for my 2007 New Year's Resolutions have been fantastic. Keep them coming--I am going to pick my favorite and live by it for all of 2007 (or until I get bored). Five are already out of the running, however, for various reasons:
1. Chuck thinks I should "grow a beard," which is a fantastic NYR, except I grew a beard in 2006, and I believe I'm only allowed to look that ridiculous once per decade.
2. Hannah wants me to "figure out wh geometry is sooooo hard." We don't have to wait till 2007 for that. I can just tell you now: Geometry is hard because it's boring. And it's boring because everything interesting and beautiful about it is kind of mind-bendingly complicated. So it is hard because it is boring, but to make it interesting would make it even harder.
3. Little Willow suggests that, having turned the beat around, I should now turn it upside down. Good idea, but I think it will take all of 2007 just to really get the beat fully turned around. I will consider endeavoring to turn it upside down in '08, however.
4. Jess says I should "accurately predict the winner of the 2007 Printz Award." I don't have to wait till 2007 to do that, either: Markus Zusak's The Book Thief will win, and it should win, and if it doesn't win I will be a seething ball of fury.
5. Jonathan thinks I should resolve to go skydiving. Um, I can't even resolve to go on the top step of a ladder.
Keep your resolution ideas coming. Here's to a quick return to blogging.
In other news, we are approaching the time for New Year's Resolutions. I would appreciate it if you would leave a comment telling me what I should resolve to do.
Then, on December 31st, I am going to pick the best resolution that has been left in comments or emailed to me, and then I'm going to do the resolution for all of 2007.*
Last night, I signed at Books of Wonder with four people I actually genuinely like as both people and writers, and I am not just saying that: Coe Booth, David Levithan, E. Lockhart, and Maureen Johsnon. The event looked approximately like this:
From Left to Right, you have My Coat (with other people's coats), Coe, me, Maureen, David, and E. And then at the far right you have a sliver of a person. I do not know who that person is. So we all read briefly from our books (I read the 19-Katherines-in-19-sentences part of An Abundance of Katherines), and then David had put together this amazing mash-up, wherein he'd taken little snippets from all our books and made a new story. So we read that. Then afterwards, we signed some books:
Someone asked me if I got tired of signing books (I don't), and it occurred to me that the person who asked me that question might have been testing me. As I've mentioned on this blog before, I am always on the lookout for good asshole tests. (An asshole test is a simple investigative tool you can use to quickly determine with some level of certainty whether or not someone is a complete asshole.) And I'm pretty sure that anyone who DOES get tired of signing books, who feels anything but gratitude for the opportunity to sign their published books for people who like them, is an asshole. So anyway, I think it's an excellent asshole test, and we should all start using it when we go to book signings.
Looking back at that picture, I have an observation: I always look slightly deranged and/or drunk in photographs. It's something in the eyes, I think. For instance, look at my eyes in this picture with Sarah Dessen taken at NCTE:
Admittedly, I may have been shelacked when that picture was taken, but still: I look crazier than a shithouse rat. By the way, all the pictures in this blog entry are totally stolen! The first two are stolen from author Phil Bildner. I hope he forgives me! His recap of this event is great, incidentally. The picture with Sarah Dessen was stolen from Sarah Dessen herself. I may add more stolen photos as the day progresses.
By the way: Do you have any good Asshole Tests? Please share them.
I was going to post something long and ponderous about feeling sad when nothing bad happens, but instead I am going to Turn the Beat Around by posting this video.
(Back story: The National Conference of Teachers of English took place in this huge, glass-enclosed megastructure called the Gaylord Opryland Resort. It is so big, in fact, that there are like eleven hotel bars. By far the best hotel bar, though, was the Delta Lounge. So each night, I'd go to the Delta Lounge with author friends. And then at some point, while hanging out with Sarah Dessen and Sara Zarr, I decided to Talk Very Seriously About Writing while a cover band played "Turn the Beat Around" in the background. And then I did a stupid dance.)
because I have a head cold and am temporarily suffering from a soul-crushing depression that has neither cause nor cure. Nonetheless, you should come to my reading tomorrow at Books of Wonder at 5 PM in New York City. If you live in New York City. (According to my sitemeter, there is a 5.8% chance you do live in New York City.)
In other news, this is great, even if Colin Singleton would disapprove of Monty Python's ungramatical anagramming (anagrams that aren't grammatically correct really aren't anagrams at all). Thanks to Elizabeth Fama for the link.
Also, I'm sure I'm the last person in America to have noticed this, but Ze Frank's The Show is the best thing that has ever occurred on the Internet. (This is a good one to start with.)
And I failed! I am totally not done with the draft of my novel! Whoops!
In my defense, I spent a lot of November in Nashville and Birmingham and North Carolina and other places that are not "in my lay-z-boy." And I find it very hard to write when I am not in my lay-z-boy. So anyway, I hereby declare December NAtional Finish A Draft Of Your Book Or You're Screwed (NAFADOYBOYS).
In other news: Quite a few people have commented on the blog or sent me emails asking me to post the speech I made at the ALAN NCTE convention in Nashville. The speech is going to be published in "Booklist," so I can't publish it here quite yet, but if you email me (soundnfury [at] yahoo [dot] com), I would be more than happy to email you a copy of it. But anyway, you should read it in "Booklist." Also, you should read the Booklist Blog. It's the only blog I check every day, other than Lindsayism and, of course, Barney's blog.
