The 2006 Naughty List
1. Rob. We start this year's Naughty List off with a good person and a Southerner like me and everything. But Rob is an unabashed member of Team K$(@#, and he keeps coming up with silly reasons: He now claims that Pam has an "indescisive, noncommital" nature. That's ridiculous! Just come over to Team Pam, Rob. Everyone is nicer here. We are sweet-funny instead of mean-funny. We are curves instead of angles. We are hope instead of despair.
2. Sara Zarr. Speaking of Team Pam and its importance to the continuing health of American democracy, Sara Zarr recently accused me of basically being a closeted member of Team K@#$%. Sara argued that Lindsey Lee Wells in An Abundance of Katherines plays K@#*$ to the Katherines' Pam. That's ridiculous, Sara. You may have written an excellent first novel, but you're on the Naughty List!
3. Aetna. Give me back my health insurance, you wretched bitches.
3. Human teeth. Why are you so fragile? Why do you require so many surgeries? You're stupid. If you were just made of diamonds, we wouldn't have all these problems. Nor would we have Blood Diamonds. Teeth, by not being diamonds, are the cause of all the wars in the world. Speaking of which...
4. Mel Gibson.
5. Mice. What is it with you little vermin, running around our walls all night and giving us nightmares? But the real reason you're on the naughty list is this: You make me look like less of a man in front of my wife. It doesn't help our marriage to have me dancing spastically on the bed shouting, "oh God oh God oh God please deliver us from this mouse infestation oh sweet holy Lord please I'm so scared and alone Please Jesus please help me I am just a scared little girl."
Who's on your naughty list?
posted by John Green @ Friday, December 22, 2006
10 Comments
10 Comments:
1) Alzheimer's Disease.
2) Algebra.
3) Poison ivy.
4) Ex-best friends.
5) YouKnowWho on the Office.
6) Myself, because I am my own worst enemy.
the universe, because its perverse and sarcastic sense of humor is lost on me. Stop making me the punchline of your ongoing cosmic joke!
I can't believe you put me on the same list as Mel and Aetna, you heartless bastard.
But it's the holidays and all, so peace on earth and goodwill to mankind yadda yadda yadda I don't have a naughty list.
John, I 100% feel your pain on the mice issue. I have a horrible, dreadful fear of all rodents. And this week, we had a little mouse running around the school library. Then I started hearing mice everywhere: in our apartment, at my in-laws house, at stores. Everywhere. So I feel your pain.
I agree with everything on your list, except maybe Sara, although I strongly disliked that comment she left.
Julia is right - SheWhoMustNotBeNamed should be on everyone's naughty list. And Angela is on my nice list, for dissing her on the Benihana Christmas episode.
update on naughty rob:
me: rob, that john green guy put you in his post AGAIN!
rob: HA!
me: you know--you married a pam.
rob: you're not indecisive.
me: but i SO could have married a roy instead of of jim.
rob:hmm. that's true.
me: hmmmmmm(*shoots knowing jim-like grin*)
in other developments i am working on a "team pam" subliminal mix for his ipod.
I like angles.
I can't believe there are still people on Team Karen! They should watch this excellent video someone posted on Youtube, featuring a great cover performed by Emm Gryner, to help change their confused minds.
#6 - Pam
i second Julias #4 Ex-best friends.
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